Time To Visit That Fetish Club

Are you still waiting to visit your first fetish club? Then you need to read this first! Phil gives us the low down...

 A really good friend of mine has just asked me about what it’s like to go to a fetish club, so I thought I’d answer the question on here openly just in case anyone else hasn’t been. Think of it as a Dr Johnsons open perv questions and answer forum.

There's a huge difference between a dance club and a fetish club. The dance one doesn't really need explaining but fetish clubs come in 2 flavours:  Dance fetish clubs and play fetish clubs.

I tend to go more for the dance fet clubs because it gives you a break and a chance to get to know people  away from all the arse smacking.  In a play club, all you hear as soon as you walk into a club is Swishhh  arrrgghh  , Swishhh arrrgh… again…. Swishhh  arrrgh harder .!  Mixed in with shitty music coming in from another room.  Let’s face it you don’t go to fet clubs for the music. Well, not unless you’re a bit unhinged and very few clubs have a good music policy. They’ll employ Dave the DJ and his flashing lights set up and think you want to boogie on down to him.

Now, if you haven’t been to one before you’re going to be a little bit apprehensive and probably think “Ooooh it’s going to be fully of people I don’t know”….. Yes, you’re right to a degree, but who’s to say your parents and boss aren’t in there?  so you never know. “And what if it’s full of pervs?” well yes, it is and that’s why you’re going to take this leap of faith and add to the list…..1 more perv won’t hurt.

Never go to a club in full gear, because you’re guaranteed to get a puncture in your car tyre, or get stopped by the police and then you’ll have to get out and do that silly test to prove you are not drunk. Which will be pretty damn hard if you’re in a gimp mask and chains and can’t see a thing. So always take you fet gear in a bag and wait for the sniffer dog to find it… OK, just take a sports bag and be prepared to explain its contents at a moment’s notice.

But what do I wear? I hear you say. Well, that all depends on what you call fetish wear. I’ve seen people dressed as Batman, traffic wardens, Hitler, firemen, policeman, nurses and people turn up in just their boots. Fetish means all things to all men… and women (gotta be PC these days kids). You have decided before you go what you want to wear to impress the ladies (and gents) so guys turning up in just a pair of stained y-fronts isn’t going to impress anyone and you’ll probably be given a wide birth.

So, you’ve decided what looks sexy to you, your partner and everyone else. Now you can go down there in the typical dress code line of latex, leather, PVC  or Tarzan loin cloth, or if you’re a girl (or guy … you have to ask these days) you can turn up in your best sexy lingerie. It works for me… well not me personally , me turning up in lingerie would be just plain wrong…However,  you’d be surprised at the number of couples that both turn up in women lingerie, so don’t be shocked. If that’s what you’re into, do it, but please shave your legs guys, and girls. Yes some women have hairier legs that men.

What sort of people go to these perverted clubs?.. well people just like you. They are just normal people away from the club.

Now, your first few moments in a club you are going to want to look at everyone.  There’ll be boobs sticking out left, right and centre. You’ll be like a dog with two dicks for the first 15 mins. It’s a bit of a system overload but after 15-20 mins your adrenaline will come to normal levels and that erection will cease to be an embarrassment to you and your partner. Well if it’s 3 inches, tuck it away, no one wants to see a button mushroom poking out, but if it’s long enough to throw over your shoulder….you just might impress a few people. So, smile, try to not to look sweaty and keep your hands to yourself or partner. Look, but don’t glare.

If the club is big enough they’ll have a dance floor where you can strut your stuff and do a bit of break dancing in a gimp mask and chains or you can dance to Gloria Gaynor’s  “ I will survive “ around your handbag and crop while having convulsions ... sorry I mean dancing.

Now if someone approaches you, don’t run for the door screaming, they’re probably more nervous than you, because it’s them that’s making the effort to get to know you. Just relax and have a chat. Chances are they want to know where you got your Batman outfit from which will then lead to other more pertinent questions like …. What are you into?…. Fruits salads is the wrong answer. Try to think more pervy…. like fruit salads being licked off your nipples. See, it’s a great way of breaking the ice and their neck if they go too far.

Let’s go to the other room… the play room. This is where all the action takes place. At this point there’s no sense in being prudish and blushing. You are now on the dark side of the force where you’ll see people doing lots of rude things to each other. Now I say that loosely…. because if you’re a single guy most couples don’t mind you looking, but they don’t want you too close, so put your dick away and you’ll make a lot more friends. This sub species of human is known as the “wanky man”, who’s likely to follow you from room to room hoping to catch a glimpse of a couple “getting it on”. It’s been a long time for him, his wife doesn’t understand him, his girlfriend is in the Philippines and can’t get a visa into the country; are some of the many excuses you’ll hear from this sort of person; all designed to make you feel sorry for him and hope you’ll let him join you. Your choice but not advisable!
The equipment in a playroom can vary from spanking benches, padded crosses (crucifixion isn’t allowed), hoists and anything else the promoter can lay his hands on. These are meant to be used for playing on, but you’ll find a lot of people just sit on them and talking.. and talking and talking a bit more. If you want to use the equipment while someone is sitting on it feel free to grab one end of the bench and tilt it to 45 degrees, thus making the bench free. Ignore the swearing... you’ll get used to that.

Now, if the person that was sitting on the bench wasn’t wearing any underwear you might want to give the bench a quick wipe - unless you want someone else’s s jizz in your hair when you use it. Apparently, there is plenty of protein in the mix so no harm will be done, but your new hairstyle might look a bit odd. Now you can use the bench to beat the living day lights out of your partner’s arse for not doing the washing up and putting the bins out or you can just spank it and think of someone else’s arse.  The choice is yours.

After you’ve finished using the bench give it a quick wipe down so the next person doesn’t slide off in your juices! Now while all this was taking place you didn’t realise you had an audience. Yes, people like to watch. Just like you like to watch them they’re going to watch you. Don’t be embarrassed, just get used to it. Think of yourself as being part of the Barnum and Bailey circus. If you’re good enough you may even get a round of applause. If you made a right pigs ear of it, think of the film Gladiator and shout “Are you not entertained?!!“.

OK so you’ve conquered the bench, what about the hoist? OK, let’s give it a go. These things have a weight limit and if your girlfriend likes her pies and the buttons on her outfit are holding on for dear life have a rethink about doing this. No sense in sending the machine into reverse. Seriously though, be careful.  Most are checked beforehand but some do fail and it’s not pretty seeing someone dropped on their head and not being able to put their hands down. Make sure there’s a gym mat underneath it.

The cross usually has some grips the person holds onto. So think of it as a standing bench where you can practice your knife throwing technique. OK, knives aren’t allowed so you’ll have to throw spoons, or you could be sensible and give your partner a quick fisting while standing.

You’ve done well ... you’ve had a boogie, you’ve used the bench, the cross and the hoist. What’s left? I hear you say.  Making friends, that’s what’s next.  You will meet nice people and you will meet arseholes. How do you tell the difference? Well that’s down to you. Meet them a second time back at the club, be friends online, or just go to their bail hearing. Some people can be good friends behind bars.

At some clubs they have a shoe shining service. This is great, now your shoes will glow and be as bright as the day they were new. Feel free to use this service if you so wish, but we are warned the shoe polish usually comes from a veiny erection and the polisher only does one shoe which is a bit of a cheek. Demand the other shoe gets shined too.

Most men tend to stay away from this service and offer the shoe shiner advise on which door to leave by or offer to give a biology lesson; either way the service is there to be used.

So there you go boys and girls… any questions?

Ask Phil questions in the forum. Click here to go there and post your question or see what others have asked.

Photos supplied by Robert Babylon, Orkadia and Delta Photography. All can be found in the Show Time section along with other great work from these artists and others.

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