With bdsm being a topic that is even being discussed in the playground of late, thanks to the 50 shades of grey books... I thought that perhaps those of us with experience could give advice for newbies..
Of course not everyone thinks the same.. so try to keep it civil if you don't agree... I have been Owned and collared for just over two years.. and before that was a complete novice.. but I am lucky that I have had some great tutors and a Master that teaches me and lets me learn quickly. Now two years isn't a long time.. but my master is very experienced.. its worth mentioning though that we do not follow the structured protocols that some M/s relationships have.. but I do have a deep understanding of those.
Firstly my first bit of advice to any novice submissive would be that when Meeting a dominant man/woman... Treat the first meet as you would meeting anyone normally.. I would steer clear of anyone that was expecting you to serve them on a first meet... same as I would say it is ill advised to "play" on a first date in this situation..
However, if you do get to that.. let someone know where you will be going, who you are meeting and time that you will check in by... Some subs have contact lists.. and if a sub hasnt checked in then they can check on them.. As yes sometimes its just that your having to much fun.
I mention this as I was mentoring a young sub... and she against my advice met a Dominant in a hotel.. and he subjected her to a 3 hour bdsm session.. that actually put her off this lifestyle.. now she didnt report it as she had consented... but he caned her hard enough that 7 weeks later she was still marked... now yes.. if this is what yoru wanting then who am I to say its wrong... but this dominant had no after care in place.. and this lady felt abused in a bad way....
When meeting a dominant, you need to view it as a relationship of sorts.. even if its just going to be for the bdsm... and not sexual or emotional...although I think that the very nature of a bdsm relationship will lead to some feeling from the sub.. as you have to give such trust... and that takes a emotional bond really imho. You need to discuss what you are wanting from it... now this isn't topping from the bottom ( IE telling a dominant what to do) it is common sense.. as if you are wanting a sensual dominant.. its no good finding a dominant that is purely into pain.. If your wanting pain its no good finding a dominant that doesnt get much from it..
A bdsm relationship is a partnership... the sub gets from serving their dominant and pleasing them... and this can come in many ways... For instance for me I remember the best moment for me was when I said "yes Master." to something I had previously stumbled along with... that I just felt the need to serve, rather than try and wriggle out of it.. So while limits are there to be pushed.. its worth having the same basic wants and needs.. :)
Once you are playing, then talk... the key to a good relationship of any type is communication... and that is even more important within a bdsm relationship... I keep a journal that my Master can read.. and only he can read.. This has been invaluable..I can not express just how much I find mine a help.. I write anything and everything in it.. even when I am mad at Master... because as long as I am not trying to use it to manipulate a situation.. I can not be punished for anything within my journal..
Always look at where you are, where you were... and were you are going... and don't worry about what books say you need to be doing.. the only rules you have to follow are those your dominant has set for you... Some Dominants may expect you to behave in a certain way, others another.. it really is something that no book can decide for you...its individual as you are... and its never the wrong way.. its just your way.
I hope this little list helps someone.. and I am always happy to answer questions... I don't pretend to be an expert.. but I listen, I learn and I grow as a person and a slave... This journey into this relationship has become a journey that I have learned so much about the world, about myself and about just how strong and capable I am as a person... the best feeling in the world for me is when I know my Master is proud of me...
Cali - Owned and Collared Slave of Masterq81